There is no Step 2

Although Barney Stinson behaved very questionably on How I Met Your Mother, his pithy wisdom about marathons has stuck with me for years:

“Here’s how you run a marathon. Step 1: You start running. There is no Step 2.”

I used this quote for a sign during my husband’s half marathon in the fall because it’s become shorthand between us any time one of us is on the cusp of something difficult. “There is no Step 2,” we say to each other. Code for: you just have to do it, and you know it’ll be hard, but you have to start.

That’s how I feel about this surge of anti-racism good intentions. It’s a marathon to unlearn and dismantle racism, and it’s time to start running.

But first, a confession: I hate exercising. Any time of my life that I was in good shape, it was because I had tricked myself into regular physical activity, like being in the marching band or the rock climbing club. As an adult, maintaining a routine of regular exercise has been a constant struggle. Regardless of the format I choose (and please, do not recommend your favorite exercise format, thanks very much), I pretty much hate it while I’m doing it. Immediately afterward, I’m glad I did the thing, but I’m glad it’s over. Over time, I see the long-term effects of being healthy and strong.

What does this have to do with anti-racist work?

You might really dislike it. (You almost certainly will.) You might not know how to do it at first. You will probably have to try a few different formats. The right format might change for you over time. But if you put in the time, discomfort, and effort, you will see the long-term effects of being healthy and strong, which will equip you to be an ally.

Here are a few ways to start:

• Examine yourself: Establishing a baseline is a common practice in setting fitness goals, and you can do that by weighing yourself, taking your physical measurements, or snapping “before” pictures. That is to say: assess the situation. Where are your gaps in understanding? What future state are you aiming for? What do you wish you could do better? Or to put it in a more positive light, where can you become stronger? Document your starting point, and it will help you track progress.
• Set a reasonable goal: Right now, my exercise goal is doing 5 yoga practices per week. They don’t even have to be challenging; I just have to do them, because I know that I need to sustain a regular habit amid a particularly stressful time at work. When you examine where you’d like to grow, what’s a reasonable goal to set within a foreseeable timeframe? Not a year, not 6 months, and probably not even 3 months. Think about 1 month or less. Perhaps your goal could be to subscribe to a Black educator who provides anti-racism tools and write down one takeaway every week for 4 weeks. Or you could look up terms you don’t understand yet (like white privilege, white supremacy, and race), and learn about them each in turn. I think it’s really important to write down your goal and put it somewhere prominent so that you can’t forget it.
• Choose steps that align with your style: I hate to run. I hate it! So I will never sign up for another 5K because it would be doubly torturous to force myself to train. I lower the barrier to entry and choose yoga, Pilates, and Barre, supplemented with brisk walks through my hilly neighborhood for cardio. As you set your goal, choose action items that align with how you naturally operate. If you like documentaries, look some up. If you are a podcast person, subscribe to new ones. If you are a reader, get a reading list. The resources are all out there for you to find, and you don’t have to do it one way. Regardless of format, set aside time to take notes or journal what you are learning or the questions you have. It’s not enough to consume without processing. Self-examination and critical thinking can only occur through designated time to do so.
• Find a buddy: Speaking of processing, other people are a great resource to help you do that. Back in the days when we were allowed to work out with other people, I benefited from going to classes. The achiever in me didn’t want to disappoint the instructor, and it’s oddly comforting when you know you are not the only one whose calves are burning at the barre. A buddy or a group can provide encouragement and accountability as you do difficult work. Please do not ask a Black friend to fill this role for you. Reach out to a (different) friend and ask if they are willing to walk with you on this path. You can share your individual goals or tackle something together.
• Expect discomfort: Exercise makes us stronger because it’s hard. Can you accept a mentality of “no pain, no gain” for personal growth as well as physical fitness? I think the concept of a “good hurt” applies here. There will be pain. If there is not pain, you are not doing the work.

Let’s be real: good intentions are not enough. You can buy the gym membership, but you have to actually go and work out. You can be sad and appalled at the state of the world, but you have to actually make change within yourself and your community.

Today is June 1. In your efforts to dismantle white supremacy, what observable change will take place in you, in your family, in your community by June 30? By September 1? By January 1, 2021? If, in whatever span of time you choose, you are not noticeably healthier and stronger from rooting out deeply-held and harmful ideas, what good were the intentions?

You are running a marathon.

Step 1: You start running.

There is no Step 2.

Happy 100th, Madeleine!

Today would have been Madeleine L’Engle’s 100th birthday! Hooray!

I have so much love for Madeleine and all that she accomplished. She wrote YA before that was even a category! She put a female protagonist in a science fiction book when that wasn’t a thing! She moved effortlessly between genre of writing! And her influence on me is permanent and pervasive. I still miss her, and I wish she were around today to comment on world events, and I so regret never trying to meet her in person. But! Her writing remains for us to enjoy, and I am certainly doing that.

I didn’t meet all of my goals for my Year of Madeleine. I didn’t read all of the books I set out to do or write as regularly as I had hoped. However, sinking in to her works and consolidating her books in my library were both wonderful experiences. It reminded me anew of why Madeleine is such an important author in my reading life, and I’m glad that I did what I could. Madeleine is not the type to berate in terms of goals set but not met, so I will leave it there!

While I love A Wrinkle in Time a lot, it makes me a little sad when people have only ever read that book, or even just the Time series. So, in honor of Madeleine’s birthday, I encourage you to treat yo self to some new-to-you titles from her backlist! Here’s what I recommend:

 

• If you like literary fiction, try The Small Rain, Madeleine’s first novel. She wrote it in the in-between spaces while she worked as an understudy and stage manager on Broadway! This novel about a young pianist is deep and piercing. The follow-up, A Severed Wasp, is also really good.
• If you like memoirs, try A Circle of Quiet. This is the first installment in the 4-part nonfiction grouping, The Crosswicks Journals. It’s meandering and sometimes a little out-there, but I always find it nurturing and nourishing for me. If you’ve only read Madeleine’s fiction, definitely look this one up.
• If you like writing about faith, try Walking on Water. This book is Madeleine’s reflections on faith and art, and it’s so thought-provoking. She posits that there’s not secular or religious art, but instead, art that tells the truth or doesn’t.
• If you like poetry, try The Weather of the Heart. This slim collection of poetry is beautiful, and you can take it in a little bit at a time.

By the way, it’s also the birthday of CS Lewis and Louisa May Alcott — a big day for author birthdays! I think it’s fun to celebrate meaningful writing and the authors who create it. I do think of Madeleine as an extension of my family, my fairy godauthor who’s always on my shoulder. So let’s raise a glass or a cupcake or whatever! Happy birthday, Madeleine!

A gift of “After Annunciation”

Recently, my dear friends finalized the adoption of their baby girl! It has been a long road, and it has been so inspiring (and at times heartwrenching) to see their relentless pursuit of their family. To celebrate this milestone, I commissioned Meredith Langer to render one of my favorite Madeleine poems into this calligraphy and artwork and then made it into a canvas print for them.

“After Annunciation”
This is the irrational season
When love blooms bright and wild.
Had Mary been filled with reason
There’d have been no room for the child.

This lovely, short poem has been a steady rock during my friends’ “irrational season.” And now they’re an official family of 3! I gave the gift to my friend at work and advised her to open it at home, which was, apparently, a good warning. (insert all the sobbing)

Camilla and A Live Coal in the Sea

When I was a teenager, I read Camilla for the first time. My copy is an old, discarded copy from the Mesa Library (?), and I’m sure I got it from a used book sale somewhere down the line. At the time, my entire family knew to look for Madeleine books for me, and I like the mixed-up provenance of my collection. I read the book, enjoyed it, and imagined myself as cosmopolitan as Camilla. Well, sure, if I lived in New York City, I’d do my homework at the Met. Obviously! Several years later, I found my copy of A Live Coal in the Sea at an independent bookstore and bought it immediately. I had no idea what it was about, but it had the words “Madeleine L’Engle” and “novel” on the cover, and that was good enough for me. When I started reading, the name Camilla Dickinson immediately rang a bell. Was it the same Camilla? I checked my copy. Yes! But this was a much older Camilla! And she didn’t live in New York any more. I read on, fascinated. The idea of a much-later sequel is still so very interesting to me. A Live Coal in the Sea was a milestone book for me at that time of my life, because it was most certainly An Adult Book. I felt very sophisticated to read it, and also a little bit scared. I didn’t really understand what I was reading (trigger warning for sexual abuse), but the larger themes of forgiveness and identity stuck with me.

Recently, I re-read Camilla and A Live Coal in the Sea in swift succession, rather than with years in between. I’m pretty sure I’ve re-read them both, but not for at least 10 years, so I was long overdue for revisiting the characters. As a teenager, I took the stories at face value: here is the set-up, here is the conflict, here is the ending (not necessarily resolution, which I was fine with). I interpreted Camilla as a typical coming-of-age heroine and then older lady who had lots of valuable life experience. The writing was good, and it was my Madeleine comfort zone of theology and astrophysics. I didn’t think too hard about it. However, this time around, I felt like I really saw myself in Camilla when I re-read her stories as an adult.

It hit me how introspective the narratives are. I hadn’t noticed before how much the stories take place inside Camilla’s mind. There’s plenty of dialogue (and some of it borders on soliloquy/preachy), but the main driver is Camilla’s thought process. In Camilla, she learns that her parents are flawed human beings, and she’s separate from them. In A Live Coal in the Sea, Camilla deals with the turmoil of a complicated family saga over the course of many years. It struck me this time that I think Camilla is an introvert, with “a rich interior life,” as Susan Cain puts it in Quiet, and Camilla’s musing felt very familiar to me. I didn’t wonder why she was just sitting there, thinking, because I tend to form my thoughts fully before they emerge from me. I didn’t know that I was an introvert until my early twenties, and having that lens on my life has been hugely helpful. Reflecting on Camilla made me wonder, how many introverted characters did I encounter as a younger reader?

It’s hard for me to even come up with any. Maybe Matilda? Mary from Pride and Prejudice? Anyway, it’s logical that solitary people with lots of thoughts don’t make for very exciting protagonists, especially for younger audiences. Characters who need to decompress from lots of people time by holing up in a room don’t exactly drive the action forward. But when we consider the importance of diversity and representation in literature, isn’t personality one of the ways that people are diverse? Cain talks about how introverts pretend to be extroverts in order to succeed, and to a degree, passing as an extrovert is a necessary life skill. But what if kids learn that the only way to be a protagonist is to be outgoing and charismatic? Or that “shy” characters always need to overcome reticence? That doesn’t feel great.

I’m not sure what stories about introverts look like, and I am sure that I’m missing key introverted characters as I write here. Mostly, I’m marveling over how re-reading my old Madeleine books always stirs up something in my mind. It’s not just revisiting my old character friends (Hi, Luisa!) or sliding into a comforting plot. This year of reading those books has shown me how deep those stories go and that I can keep drawing from that well.